Shooting at Seattle Federation, July 28, 2006

What I can't seem to understand is why this story did not make national headlines. This past Friday at 4:30pm, a lone gunman forced a 13 year old girl at gunpoint to let him into the building where the Jewish Federation in Seattle is located.

The gunman is a Pakistani American, who grew up in the tri-city area in Washington. He comes from an affluent family, did well in high school and aspired to be a dentist. Lately, he had alerted local safety patrol officers when he exposed himself to some women at a shopping mall. The week prior to the shooting he was in court facing charges of indecent exposure .

So, after receiving an ordinary parking ticket this past Friday, he proceeds to force his way not the Jewish Federation offices, where he shot 6 people. One woman died, the rest have gunshot related injuries. amogst those injured is a pregnant woman. The woman at the front desk called 911 and in a taped conversation, we hear Mr. gunman make references to the situation in the middle east, in addition to his general angst with normal society.

apparently, he chose his target by going online and looking for Jewish organizations in the area. Even if this is a one time deal committed by a lone gunman, it is obvious to me that this is a hate crime.

NWCN.com News for NW Cable News This is the only news source that carries this story on the internet. I am not sure why this wasn't picked up by the national syndicates. Especially considering the current state of affairs across the world right now.

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While I am uneasy with the amount of destruction that is currently overwhelming Lebanon, I support Israel's military campaign against Hezbollah, Hamas and Jihadists. For the first time in my conscious memory, Israel is committing herself to defending her citizens and her borders. She is taking initiative instead of quietly taking the abuse by Hezbollah and Hamas. Its like a child who is terrorized by a bully who finally learns karate. After years of hinding over lunch money, trinkets and getting punched in the jaw, the kid can now stand up for herself.

What worries me is that the general conflict reduces moderates. In conflict everyone must show their true colors, everyone must pick a side. Being moderate only signifies a passive support of one's beliefs. And for those who are alienated, discontent, impatient or hurt may now have the inclination to align themselves with those who are active, and those who are more active, are probably more dangerous.

The Seattle case is an isolated tragedy. Or is it? Although we can make inroads in influencing ideology, dogman and general perceptions amongst the world's population, Western society cannot eliminate all of the reasons why people align themselves with terrorists. But I think it would be prudent of this country and its media to publicize these random acts of hatred in order to declare that these acts are not tolerated. We must declare these crimes for what they really are: anti-Semitic, racist, despicable tragedies that we will not tolerate in our midst. As Israel is doing right now in the middle east, we have to stand up for ourselves and tell the world that these acts are wrong and will not be tolerated. Otherwise, how often will these incidents have to occur? Shame on the national media.

19 Letters

I haven't gone to a Torah Shiur in almost 2 years because I am a closet bitter, angry Jew and Shiurim exasserbate the fact. I don't mean to be harsh on myself, in fact I should probably take back the last statement, but maybe I am a bit self hating, or at least hating the Jew in me because I connect it to Torah learning which has always left me feeling empty and confused.

Last week a few of my good buddies invited me to learn with them, and I thought what the heck, because they know me well enough to bypass the angst I exude. We have been reading Samson Rafael Hirsch. The book '19 Letters' written in the 1830s is supposed to be Orthodoxy's response to the Reformed and Enlightened Jew. I liked the book initially because I truly identified with this enlightened figure that is portrayed in the book.

And yet, by the fourth letter, I am still tragically unconvinced. I have a difficult time using Torah sources to defend Orthodox premises, which, I am told, is the only way to do so. I understand that there is no other way to accept a universal, traditional truth without using that source to defend itself, but if the case cannot be made, then what?

And yes, my dichotomized soul is still wretchedly fighting out this ill-fated ideological struggle. Funny enough, at the end of the day, I suppose it has little influence on how I carry out my life, but yet...it still matters to me. My sense of unease is only dormant for a while, and then, while straddling two complete ideologies, I am lead only to a sense of weightedness by sudden pangs from one of my two worlds.

I find my heritage beautiful, it just hurts.

I remember...
... walking through the airport with my mom at one point as a young teenager and mentioning to her that I felt I had changed. I was 14 years old and had switched yeshiva programs the year before when I had begun high school. I remember saying to her that at my old school I had taken no responsibility for committing to yiddishkeit, but that recently I had felt a connection to the learning and was inspired to do something about it. I told her, as I shifted my backpack to my other shoulder, that I would never consider leaving the house without my siddur. I had it with me at the time, and I remember the comfortable feeling of its cover in my hand and the smell of its pages as I carried it through the terminal.

I remember her reaction. She stopped walking and turned to look at me. I saw her pride, relief, and joy that I was maturing into her child-- that as her kids grew older, they were beginning to appreciate her and my father's commitment to their faith.

My memory from that time is generally disjointed and fragmented, like a montage of film being shown to fast. but this incident is a super strong memory. I can shut my eyes and remember the entire conversation. It might be the event that keeps me with one foot in the revolving door of my heritage.

Another Day of Wretchedness

Another day of feeling like crap. I hate this, hate this, hate this. It is 100 degrees outside. I have a paper to write and I am spending hours on it and getting nowhere. School is culminating in 3 exams scheduled for Tisha B'av and I haven't even looked at the material.

I went on a date with a very nice guy and had a great time, but I only felt worse after he graciously dropped me off back home because it reminded me of the inevitable onset of true adulthood with all its crushing responsibilities. I feel so hopelessly unequipted to manage, and be successful at life.

I feel stuck, listless, depressed, bored, overwhelmed, insignificant, and very very tired. What a sick feeling.

And then there is the true disaster occurring in the Middle East. What a terrible backdrop. I can't stop thinking about it; how the violence and terror and bombings are escalating, how there is no fathomable end in sight, how much I hate the idea of war. And I feel lousy for feeling lousy. When my cousin looked up on Friday and saw a scud over her head (as she makes her way across the street in her northern Israeli town), I sit here and feel sorry for myself.

Dating Mr. Wonderful made me very uncomfortable. I am having the wierdest reaction and its troubing me that I don't feel an easy sense of normalcy dating a truly nice, goodhearted, attractive person. Dating him made me feel like I wasn't good enough, which rationally speaking, is totally not true.

So why do I feel like he deserves someone better? Why is my brain wired to betray me? And why do I feel so inadequate all of the time?

Yuck.

I wish I could just TURN OFF the never ending stream of GARBAGE htat is currently OCCUPYING MY CONSCIOUS THOUGHTS!!!!

and instead PROGRAM the thoughts that will make me GO DO THE RIGHT THING with OOMPH!

Instead of making me feel exhausted, depressed, and fustrated.

(and no, its not that time of the month again, but thanks for the unsolicited explanation)

Happily Ever After

I dislike political punditry. The loud mouth, fast talking, know it all yokel who bombastically spews vituperous half-baked opinions.

Last week I purchased a clock radio that was mistakenly set to our local conservative talk station.

At 7am, while still half asleep, the radio switches on and I am duly informed that we are winning the war in Iraq, that the nation is exceeding all economic forcasts, that our education system is doing just fine. How wonderful, I thought, in my state of semi-conciousness, they finally figured out the world's problems.

That's the appeal of the Conservative party. How easy it is to align yourself with the self discribed savior of this country, the protector of the status quo. Authoritarianism has two sides. Those that strive to be authoritarian leaders, and those that are the authoritarian followers. You need both. Lo! How much easier it is to be politically active as an authoritarian follower! You can claim you are fully fullfilling your duty of participation in a democratic society! All one has to do is say you have faith in your leaders.

Trust.

Respect.

Tradition.

You are now in safe hands. You are now lying in bed, listening to the radio, listening to how the world's problems are being solved. I wish it were acctually that simple.

Polka Fest

I had a friend come in from out of town and took her to the polka festival because it looked like something to do that would be memorable.

It was.

I still cannot get over how much it sounded like a lot of tunes people sing on shabbos betweeen the gefilta fish and chicken soup. I felt that being there made some sort of sense--I am, after all, half polish Jewish, but I understand that this Polka thing is unmistakably goyish. Still, a fun time was had by all. I learned how to dance a bit of polka: OOm Pah Pah, OOm Pah Pah. Its totally easy but I am so out of shape that I did feel a bit like a galoopmphing rhinocerous.

We had no idea what to expect. We had only one rule: If you hear that four letter knickname for jew (the one that begins with the letter 'K' it was time to hightail out of there). We needn't have worried. Mostly a lot of old folks, probably bussed in from some nursing home, and then there were the diehard folk dancing fiends--U of M hippy types.

Acctually, the more I think about the whole experience, the more lame it gets; but in a way, thats the definition of good clean fun, which it was.

gnight.

Why do people hate gays?

I just do not get it.

I don't get what all the hooplah is surrounding the gay debate. Why are people so terriblly homophobic? Take your average citizen who raises their kids, recycles, is farely pleasant to all sorts of people, but then when asked directly, turns out to be farely intolerant?

It comes down to a few factors. The conversation will inevitably turn to the idea that gay sex just 'grosses them out' They know so and so, who is gay, and he/she is lovely, just wonderful, such a terribly interesting and smart person, but every time they see them, they just can't stop from thinking--eew. that is just so gross.

Why is it so much grosser than straight sex?

...and then the conversation continues: Straight sex is supposed to happen. That's how we have kids, its supposed to be that way and being gay is so not natural.

but the homosexual animal is a pretty natural occurance, too. Plenty of gay animals and animals with homosexual tendancies. And when you get down to business, men and women are pretty similar physicaly...you wouldn't have Joan of Ark or Yentel if that weren't so.

I was speaking with some pretty honest homophobes yesterday who explained to me that it is okay to be in love with someone of the same gender as yourself. The important thing is not to act out on it. This was something both of them agreed on. I appreciated their honesty, I really did, but at the same time, cannot understand why they cannot make the mental leap to accept it all the way--that if you believe people naturally are somewhat homosexual or bi--why it would be so 'gross' to accept it entirely?

If your personally-held religious beliefs maintain that you, yourself not be gay, well fine. But why deny someone else their happiness? Some part of me believes that homophobes just want to ruin someone else's day just because they can. It's sort of hypocritical to be all about America protecting you when you can't extend those liberties/rights to other non-threatening, law abiding consenting adults.

For those that believe granting rights to gays reduces morality in society, I laugh. I laugh with the same gusto with regards to the immigration debate in which people approach the problem as if it is something that doesn't already exist, and existing with the same sense of presence within mainstream American society. Gays exist. Gays are protected under the constitution. Gays are our friends and family members (but watch them around the kids, you never know, they may give them AIDS). The thing is, we still have to have our reservations, we still can't let them be.

Back to my honest homophobic friends. They argued that while most people are somewhat bi, they see no reason why gays can't just find a partner of the opposite sex and settle down. If men and women are so similar after all, why can't mr x find a mrs y and forget about being queer?

I asked...would you want to be married to this person?

They replied...Marriage is not neccessarily about passion, there are all sorts of marriages (whereby I am given a mental list of people they know who have peculiar marriages).

Okay. So we can agree to disagree on this. I see I am getting nowhere here...but I just want to say that while homosexuality is a biological phenomenon (ignoring the idea of acting out on one's urges or whatever), homophobia is something learned.

I think it is facinating to look at other cultures where homosexuality is less of a stigma...

So why am I getting all Liberal on you? No perticular reason. Just happened to have a family member who had a civil partnership in London to his partner of nearly 30 years. Now, they can leave money to each other after they die. They can be next of kin, and visit each other if one is hospitalized. Big freaken deal. Like the kids are so much worse off...