I could talk about my fascinating day, but I won't. Instead I will do some catching up with some old topics and issues that keep resurfacing in my life. I hinted at the faith issue in the harmonica entry. Here comes the real Meat and Potatoes!!!! (and I will not insult you with boring background information on my life and how I got to this point, yadda, yadda and more yadda. I feel confident that my readers will pick things up as I go along).
Since my year of seminary abroad, I have been pretty confident that I have found my personal truths. I set out to resolve my faith issues before I left, and worked all year to find meaning within the ideology in which I was raised. When I really took the time to face Orthodox/Chabad Judaism head-on, I found that nearly all of the fundamental beliefs presented to me were things with which I wholeheartedly disagree. This process was extremely agonizing and terrifying even though I had been feeling alienated for years ( I have have kept a running diary since I have been 14 and have faith related issues in many of the entries). The year in seminary, I asked all my questions, I was sincere, I looked for rabbis I could relate to, I tried to bridge the gap between Ideology and Self. And I just never could make the connection.
After I came back to the States, I decided to enroll in university and have been happily distracted for years... I do not have to think about making these chcices...I am still incubated in my parents' house and have retained their values for the sake of peace. When I eventually move out, I know I will give up a lot of it. Hold on to some things for the sake of culture and identity but I do not think I can commit to anything else.
Only every once in a while, this all blows up in my face, For example, I keep getting set up with guys who, if not fully practicing, are full believers, and honestly, I cannot relate. Or one of my friends will call, and will bring up their faith issues. My friends feel really crappy ditching their faith--so much so that they never decide to leave the community, their neighborhood etc... They then lead the rest of their lives agonizing their lack of commitment, their difficulty in living up to community standards etc. I do not judge them. I have my own fears of rejection. And my own fears of leaving it all behind; of being alienated, because after all, that is what you become.
I am not apologetic for my hypocrisy and I definitely don't think I have done anything wrong in rejecting my faith. Maybe it because I do not believe in any universal truth, maybe it is because I was exposed to successful and happily secular individuals. Maybe my upbringing at home contributed to my never ending curiosity and general cynicism. Maybe my personal tragedies caused me to lose faith.
Below I have posted an online correspondence from my year of questioning: The year I set aside to resolve these issues. Maybe they will help someone else, maybe not. It retrospect, they are a bit embarrassing, I can almost hear the whiney note in my voice. In any event, I started corresponding with Rabbi Moss from Sydney, Australia--I am posting his name because he was sincere and empathetic, even if I couldn't not accept every thing he said. Still, every once in a while I look at it:
Dear rabbi Moss: I read your responses through a forward from Rabbi Y. Y. Jacobson, and would like to know what you think about a problem I've been pretty miserable about. I grew up frum. I grew up Lubavitch, daughter of a shlucha. I went to what was considered to be the best schools through high school. I always enjoyed learning, but nothing ever seemed to make complete sense. I had teachers write comments on report cards, "she always participates, and she asks the most intelligent questions." The problem was I never felt a connection. There always seemed to be something missing. The answers always seemed defensive and irrelevant. Maybe thatÂs a bit harsh and exaggerated, but as time went on, I just felt more and more frustrated with their inability to answer my questions in a manner that would resolve the issues in my mind. Seminary was traumatic. I went with the only goal to once and for all fill in the gaps that would make me believe in Yiddishkeit. No such luck. At this point I feel like I'm in a spiritual burnout. No rabbi, Mashpia, or Rebetzin has told me precisely HOW one can believe in it all, because I donÂt, and it makes everything I do feel hypocritical because my heart is not in it. I am in university this year, and for once I feel fulfilled. I can learn anything I want to and it feels right. I feel challenged and free to think as I please, but it feels like im living a double life. If nothing changes, itÂs only going to get harder. My friends started dating, but I feel like that would be a disaster since Im living a frum lifestyle but my personal ideology is completely opposite. I have felt this way since I've been 12; long as I can remember. Is it possible that some people are not meant to do this for life?
RABBI MOSS:
It seems to me that no one has touched your neshoma.
I don't think the problem is that no one has answered your questions. It's deeper than that. I'm sure I could offer some answers, but that won't change things. Answers don't make faith - faith brings answers (and faith can coexist with unanswered questions).
You have a deep mind and a searching soul. The "system" is not made for people like you. The set answers to the predictable questions are enough for most - but not for you. You have the ability to blaze a path of your own. And there are two ways you can do this.
You could drop Yiddishkeit and find your own way. This is the easier and most logical path for you. Yiddishkeit hasn't worked for you until now, and you gave it a good shot; you are feeling challenged and free in the world of secular learning so why not move on?
This is a compelling argument. But I don't think that it is being true to who you really are. You wouldn't have emailed me otherwise.
I have another path to suggest.
Why not come up with answers of your own? Use your powerful mind to get to the core of what Torah and Chassidus are saying to you personally. The set answers didn't work for you because they weren't yours - so discover what your answers are. Every neshoma has its own Torah, and it's about time you started studying your own rather than that of others.
What am I talking about? Am I telling you to invent a new strand of Judaism? Kazooeyism?
No. I mean you should start asking the questions to yourself, believing that you have the answers. And I believe that you do.
Sit down and think about a question. Ask it to yourself. Push yourself. And be confident that you can come up with an answer.
I think the answers to all your questions are in you. I may be totally off the mark, but I feel there is a depth to you that even you haven't discovered. And I want to see it.
Tell me what you think,
Regards,
Rabbi Moss
Rabbi M.thanks for your response and thank you for dealing with the issue head-on instead of become distracted by side points. I think thatÂs really a first for me, actually. Here is a feeble attempt at answering the biggies. I do not think I have gotten anywhere, but would honestly appreciate a response.Is there a G-d? LetÂs just say yes, to make this go easier. Saying that G-d exists answers a lot of tough questions such as, "who created the world?' and "does life have a purpose?"And if there is a G-d, does he care that I exist, and moreover, does he care what I chose to do with my life?LetÂs say yes. LetÂs say that there is a greater being out there who cares exactly what I doesn'te doesnÂt intervene, He just watches and waits for me to do the right thing. What is the right thing? The gift of Torah, which was graciously provided by my parents and community.When I was younger I believed Yiddishkeit had value because my parents are Baalai Teshuva and chose it. I respected my parents search for ideological truth, and I trusted that they had found it. Later, I began to feel as if their choice was just a matter of being in the right place at the right time, for them specifically, and possibly not for me. My mom's brother was doing it, so she joined because she was sick of her catholic doped out friends. My father was on his way to India to follow his older brother's version of the TRUTH, and stopped off in 770. It worked for them, because it was the seventies and 770 was the place to be. Included community, purpose, selflessness and moral groundedness. Since then, the place has changed, and I doubt they would have come this far if they decided to become frum today, for example. They got the BT treatment. I look at my experiences growing up within the fold and notice that there are those within the system, and yes, there are countless levels in the system, and then there are the poor nebachs who never seem to make it in the system. There are a few who remain above the system and these people I obviously admire and respect and hope to be, one day: Smart and confident enough in their place to stay out of the squabbling and conformity. But something really does bother me. If Torah = truth and everything in Torah is truth, why are there so many versions of the truth? Because it was made for humans who are imperfect and have flaws, Torah is the channel by which imperfect beings can reach the infinite godliness that is so powerful, we would be consumed getting anywhere near it. This is why Hashem has to step away from this world (to such an extent as to create oodles of agnostics and atheists).Alright. So in order for Torah to be utilized by human beings, it must become subjective. Ie, it must become flawed and brought down, if you will, by countless approaches to torah, to such an extent that there are rampant contradictions in the way ppl do things, and yet, they are all right, except if they break halacha (which is not so concrete, either).What would happen if I were born a Tibetan child or Indonesian? Who never head the word Jew, torah, or even godb4? I canÂt answer that yet.Why keep Halacha? Because god said so. How do we know this is what he wants me to do?? Well we really donÂt know, except if you believe in hashgacha protis, it would be a bit clearer...one idea is that many mitzvos are just there to force one to think about torah no matter what a person is doing. It keeps you focused and all the stuff you hate doing is just the ugly part of the puzzle that looks very nice as a whole and would be lacking without that ugly piece in the corner. Because if you look at a Jewish person objectively, every thing matters to create a LIFESTYLE of torah, and the end result is pretty impressive.Is this worth doing? If torah is so subjective, why canÂt you take the ideals you like and lump the rest? Because then you would be a catholic. Or part of some fake religion that talks about charity and kindness, but everything else doesnÂt really matter, your sins are forgiven if you're generally a nice guy.And torah demands commitment and is worth fighting for because anything good is worth fighting for. (This I have been told is true, but its not always the case....BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT HASHEM TOLD MOSHE ON A MOUNTAIN every last thing, how do you know it's for real?Well, I have trouble believing thatÂs what happened on vov Sivan 2448 or sometime like that. Well, if he didnÂt, the whole thing is a farce.But it's a nice farce.But itÂs not always such a nice farce. Sometimes things go terribly wrong. Right. But donÂt judge a religion by a few idiots who were not doing what they were supposed to do. Maybe it doesnÂt really matter if there were miracles 2000 years ago for me to live a frum lifestyle, here, today. Then again, it's something I would have to face every day. Remember the part about it permeating every part of your life?? Right, so I would daven 3 times a day to a god who took us out of mitzrayim with all of these MIRACLES just because he felt like it, and now I must in turn be eternally grateful and committed to torah and mitzvos because of it. I guess I really do not know how to answer the question about how to make it palatable for me yet.I think I can answer the Whys pretty well as far as "why should one do this?" and "why is torah important?," in the general sense of why they would work for some pplI still cant bring the whole thing down to why should kazooey invest her life into something that may not be true. The only guarantee is that if I work hard enough to make it true for me, one day it will do me a lot of good, but only after the investment, no instant gratification here. Why not try to make YOGA or FONDUE PARTIES or SHREK 2 or GLADIOLAS fit me? CanÂt answer that question either. At this point yoga and yiddishkeit seem to have the same relevance to my life, except that Yiddishkeit is something I have a background in.I think I'm stuck. A friend recently suggested the fact that I donÂt want to believe. She may very well summarize the entire thing, but itÂs hard to tell . I think itÂs a bit deeper than distrust for authoritarian anything, although maybe that is a slice in the problem pie.I donÂt think I know how to answer these questions. Any suggestions about how? I dont think I made any real progress. The only thing I'm telling myself right now is to stop being such a sissy and drop it all for once, to quit the hypocrisy because the only thing my brain is telling me is to make LIFE my own subjective mission and to leave the religion for people who want a prefab manual. I dont think there is a manual for the manual in this case.
I really enjoyed reading your letter. You have an honesty and clear way of thinking that is rare. And you are a critical thinker, which will take you a long way.
I don't think you are being fair to your parents in your analysis of their becoming frum. Most baale teshuva have similar stories of being in the right place at the right time and some vague thing happening to them that changes their entire perspective. And it's still happening. You would be surprised how many people are inspired by 770 and Crown Heights. I'm with you, I am baffled and I have no idea what it is, but there is something there that you don't find elsewhere. It depends how you approach it. Everyone wears their own glasses in Crown Heights. You see what you want to see - and it's all there! That's why I love the place (and can't wait to be back there for a visit in August), and that's why I hate it too...
Anyway, I think you need to become a Baal Teshuva on your own. What I mean is, you have to start owning your own Yiddishkeit, just like your parents did. Perhaps you respect them for what they did - they had the strength to pick themselves up and move into a whole new world. Maybe that's what you want to do. But what you don't realize is that it is Yiddishkeit that has given you the tools to do that. It is specifically Chabad that has pushed you to be real and true to yourself. I don't think giving it up is the answer.
And being on the edge of Chabad is infinitely different to being on the outside.
Can I ask you a question - and I hope you don't mind -
Are you angry at the Rebbe?
Rabbi Moss
No. I am not angry at the Rebbe and here is why: I will always respect the Rebbe for his humanity. If I -respected him solely for his intelligence, leadership or his revolutionary approach to the revitalization of Judaism, I might feel extreme anger towards him due to the many crippling problems Lubavitch faces on an ongoing basis. Since he represented the organization, the problems naturally are his responsibility; some would say. Many people have a sense of being 'let down' by the Rebbe. I see it from many adults who feel that either they did not receive as much individual attention as they would have liked; others feel frustration that the Rebbe did not give clear enough direction and therefore caused confusion after his death, (leading to the schism we now see). I always found the Rebbe to be a great person. A person of great sensitivity to other human beings, strength in his convictions and, humor. Maybe I never granted him that power in my life to be angry with him. I tend to feel most anger towards those who come in the name of the Rebbe and act in callous, stupid, or corrupted ways. I give the Rebbe a lot of credit for what he did do, not what he did not do. Going back to the issue of humanity: that is just it. I never saw the Rebbe as being more than human. I never felt any desire to put him on a pedestal, and I suppose I resent the attention given to the Rebbe that encompasses a lot of Lubavitch life. Mainly, because I find it boring and under stimulating. I donÂt like celebrating Lubavitch yommim tovim, putting pictures on the wall etc... (I call it propaganda) I also privately celebrated the Rebbe's secular involvement. Understanding that he always was coming from a vantage point of total devotion towards yiddishkeit, I nevertheless felt that he was a lot more "with it" than was exposed to myself and friends growing up. Occasionally this was brought up, but what was okay for the Rebbe, was not necessarily okay for the rest of us. THAT made me angry. I understand most followers of the Rebbe understand that to follow the Rebbe means to do what the Rebbe wanted. To me, I always looked to the Rebbe as a trailblazer, and I looked to emulate him by trailblazing, myself. I suppose this is a pompous attitude, but I am not fooling myself: I know that the Rebbe was way more equipped to do this than I am. My mother was lucky enough to visit the Rebetzin twice. Most people do not talk about the Rebbetzin. When I was small, I grew up hearing the typical stories, but also stories from my mother that humanized the Rebbetzin as well: She loved classical music, she went to university studied Russian lit, that she wore bright red nail polish and veered away from the public eye. That she was very close to her sister and the books being stolen took a toll on her physically, that she kept Dobermans or some other form of guard dog. And, that the Rebbe was married to her. The Rebbe was married to a worldly, cultured woman, who happened to be the daughter of a Rebbe herself. Not too shabby coming from that angle either. That impressed me. That the Rebbe was married to her. And I am not writing her off as being some secular Jew. Maybe itÂs just that she seemed to be able to have her cake and eat it too, if you will. Sometimes it seems like the way they lived was not the way they wanted the Chassidim to live. At least, that is the way it was interpreted in my Daled Amos. So, the answer is no. I am not angry at the Rebbe at all. His accomplishments are mind-boggling. I am a bit frustrated though, and perhaps jealous of their ability to own both worlds, and I wish that maybe I was raised in a world that was presented not in black and white but in a rainbow of grays.Around Gimmel Tammuz, and also around Yud alef Nissan, I always think about just what you wrote: the Rebbe was human. I think that the greatest thing about the Rebbe was that he was a human being, of flesh and blood, who was born of a mother and father, went through childhood and adolescence, had a married life, struggled and worked hard on himself, got old, and even passed away.
This to me is what makes the Rebbe who he is - that he did what he did as a human being. I would not be impressed if a superhuman achieved so much. It is that a human like you and me did it - that is amazing.
That's why I have a picture of the Rebbe on my wall.
And the thing that impresses me about the Rebbe's originality was that he was a trailblazer and a wild thinker, but he was always operating within halocha and chassidishkeit. To be a rebel and anarchist is easy, but to be a rebel and a Rebbe - that is totally unique!
What comes first, emuna (faith) or building?
The typical answer is building. This is why you start the education of a child while the fetus is still in the womb: Even though it cannot comprehend anything. Naaseh Venishma (fig: doing a mitzva before understanding why you do it); that it is vital to create the environment that will make emuna (faith) come on its own.Some naturally have the emuna. even many unaffiliated people feel a pull to the spiritual and believe in G-d even though they do not practice anything.But I had the best building materials. I do believe that my parents and mechanchim (teachers) did everything they could to facilitate my emuna and yet I am lacking this faith. I also believe that I have done nearly everything I could to facillitate this. I did everything right, so why do I deserve to suffer with doubt? If you do everything right you should at least reap the benefits of knowing that it is true.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I finished writing that bit, but it did not look complete. So I spoke to some people who basically said, "emuna is a gift" what is THAT supposed to mean and how was that supposed to help? That if you dont have that gift, you just go on building your whole life? i think thats too much to ask.Maybe you have to start believing that you believe...
I think that is the whole problem.
I have to start believing that I believe?!Do you really think that I am in denial? With the internship that i currently hold for the summer at jewish federation, I heard a talk given by a reform rabbi on intermarriage that I felt was entirely insulting. It took me a while to figure out exactly why I hated everything she had to say. Because either you except torah, or you dont, but how could you bend it into something else ? Reform and conservative judaism is ludicrous. I felt like shouting, dont call it religion. Call it a cultural movement, but dont call it truth.Anyway, I felt very very bothered by the ordeal. Obviously, they for some reason, find it necessary to connect to their jewishness, and they legitimize any approach... but anyone could tell that it didnÂt posses much real meaning and judaism is much like a show and something to be amused by. I suppose that is why the intermarriage rates are so high, its because judaism really plays a very small part of their lives.Anyway, all of that is a side discussion. I really still do not think I believe. And there is nothing to be gained by that. I am not finding it liberating to disconnect myself in this way as far as commitment. I am really ready to do anything as long as its valid, but no matter what i say to myself to legitimize religion, i cannot find it godly but something creating by people. and the truths that exist in torah are the truths that exist everywhere, universal truths that are molded to fit the situation of the people grappling with them. have a great shabbos
