Another Day of Wretchedness

Another day of feeling like crap. I hate this, hate this, hate this. It is 100 degrees outside. I have a paper to write and I am spending hours on it and getting nowhere. School is culminating in 3 exams scheduled for Tisha B'av and I haven't even looked at the material.

I went on a date with a very nice guy and had a great time, but I only felt worse after he graciously dropped me off back home because it reminded me of the inevitable onset of true adulthood with all its crushing responsibilities. I feel so hopelessly unequipted to manage, and be successful at life.

I feel stuck, listless, depressed, bored, overwhelmed, insignificant, and very very tired. What a sick feeling.

And then there is the true disaster occurring in the Middle East. What a terrible backdrop. I can't stop thinking about it; how the violence and terror and bombings are escalating, how there is no fathomable end in sight, how much I hate the idea of war. And I feel lousy for feeling lousy. When my cousin looked up on Friday and saw a scud over her head (as she makes her way across the street in her northern Israeli town), I sit here and feel sorry for myself.

Dating Mr. Wonderful made me very uncomfortable. I am having the wierdest reaction and its troubing me that I don't feel an easy sense of normalcy dating a truly nice, goodhearted, attractive person. Dating him made me feel like I wasn't good enough, which rationally speaking, is totally not true.

So why do I feel like he deserves someone better? Why is my brain wired to betray me? And why do I feel so inadequate all of the time?

Yuck.

I wish I could just TURN OFF the never ending stream of GARBAGE htat is currently OCCUPYING MY CONSCIOUS THOUGHTS!!!!

and instead PROGRAM the thoughts that will make me GO DO THE RIGHT THING with OOMPH!

Instead of making me feel exhausted, depressed, and fustrated.

(and no, its not that time of the month again, but thanks for the unsolicited explanation)