Addiction Affliction

I walked into a nightmare this past friday night. It was after the shabbat meal, around 9.40 to be precise, and I decided to drop in on some friends. We chatted, hi, how are your two beautiful munchkin children, yes, I'd like a cup of tea, and Rummikube sounds fine with me. As the evening progressed, I watched my friend's husband polish off a 40 oz bottle of bud light.

hey, I said, that's a lot of booze.

Nah, the wife assures me, he's fine. He usually finishes off a bottle and a half. At least.

Each shabbos? I inquire?

No, they laugh, thinking my comment was hilarious, every night, every night

Oh, I say. I am a bit baffled. I am not good at math and I am trying to figure out how many normal sized beers he's drinking. 6? 7? more?

so would you say you have an addiction? OH, yeah, of Course I do. Of course he does.

Do you realise that alcoholism is a disease? Well, I wouldn't quite put in that way. Yeah, he's really not that bad.

His boss at work told him he has to pick a date to quit. His boss knows about it? yeah. So you mean to tell me this is somthing that is affecting his job? That's a bit dangerous, I venture, you know, you work with heavy machinary. Oh, says wife, he's okay. He would never let it get that bad. Plus when we were dating he was drinking during the day, as well as other stuff. he gave it all up for me. now he only drinks at night-- sentimentally spoken--how sweet I say.

You know its rough quitting. I say. yes, he says, I have already warned her, I am gonna get mean. I am gonna get nasty. Ouch I say. Sounds to me like you need some support with this.

Do you not think I am man enough to quit? He says this as a challenge. He has me trapped. He is waiting for me to insult him so he can disreguard everything I have to say. Yes, I think you can handle quitting yourself, I say, but it would be so much easier if you had a support network and a professional helping you out...I mean, don't you want your quit process to be as painless for your wife as possible?

No he says. She has two choices. Either I quit on my terms, or I don't quit. That's all I am offering.

Who are you quitting for? I ask this

My words must be bullets for suddenly he is flinching.

I repeat. who are you quitting for??

He cant answer. he wont answer. he is angry at me. He starts shouting at her. I am afraid. I don't think he will hurt her, but he will make her miserable.

I say, hey, if you are quitting for her, it won't work. you have to quit for YOU, this is something you have to own.

I feel like your judging me he says. I feel as if you think you are better than me.

I say, I know this is uncomfortable, but this is a problem, and everyone is vulnerable in some way. I am telling you to get help because I care. Everyone needs help and suport once in a while, its really not as scary as you think. We talk untill 3 in the morning . I feel very sad.

Fastforward to sunday night. I have called my friend's older sister, you know, the gal who had a drug addiction and overcame it and is now an MSW who sees addicts for free through this wonderful organization. I tell her I am concerned. I tell her he is phobic of councelors and therapists. Thats normal she tells me, so its not a big deal. Have the wife call me, your friend, I am sure that she has stuff she may want to talk about . quitting is a stressful time, she will need support. I know I say. I hang up the phone. I feel empowered. I have made a constructive move. I will call my firnds and giver her the information I have learned over the internet. I will let her know about supportive services. If he won't stop, or even if he does, she can seek help without him.

I just got off the phone with my friend. I told her everything. I told her I was calling becuase i loved her and wanted to give her resources before a crisis resulted from his addictive and distructive behavior. She thanks me and brushes me off. She tells me her husband is usually not the way he waws friday night. Silly him, he had 2 glasses of wine with that beer. Bad mix, you know? I beg, please just take the number, just in case. You can be ananomous, you can get information. I can't do that. she says. I am sad. And angry. I have done all a friend can do, but this is it. I start telling her facts I hear online. that an addict has to quit and not compromise for a second, did she think he could really really cut all the booze out?? She tells me to be real. You cant be Jewish and truly quit! what about kiddush! what about purim? what about the four cups of wine at the seder?

Are you kidding? i shot back? what abourt rabbi so and so and whats his name and etc. who uses grapejuice! in public! in front of the entire congregation!!!

Deaf ears. Well, it sure has been nice talking to you, she says. call me if you want to come over for a shabbos lunch. how cheerful. how kind. Yeah, I say. I would love to. And I really wish I could.

Bye now. Bye. Click. Dial tone.

What would you do? I left a mesage on the MSW"S machine. I don't know if I should be involved, or how. Do I go back? do I go back with conditions? do I not go back until... do I tell all their other friends? do I call the boss at work? I know he has to change. My friend has to see how serious it really is. I do not think people can be coerced. I am smarted than I appear. But what is my role?