Confession

I must confess that I never date. I have been on one date in my entire life. When I turned twenty-one I vowed I would, at least, start the process. I truly believed that I was the oldest person who had never been on a date. So a friend set me up with one of her husband's friends. We had a great chat, he was a wonderful guy, I just wasn't attracted to him, and when I broke up with him over the phone (if you can call it that) I told him I could never date him because his life experience, and his angst reminded me so much of myself that being with him made me depressed (huh?).

When I was in high school, talking to a boy would get you kicked out. I have no brothers, and therefore, no brother's friends. I am visually impaired and can't figure out who is standing accross the room, and combined with the strange fact that no guys were in my proximity growing up, I had very, very little interaction.

When I was in seminary talking to a boy would get you kicked out. I was always a pretty good student and kept my rule breaking to a minimum, but then again, boys never really interested me... at least, it was so not worth getting into trouble, and I mean the big kind of trouble where you are targeted as 1. having emotional problems 2. "frying out" or "bumming out," depending on who you ask 3. being the subject of mass-pity, and the unfortunate problem of your friend's moms telling them not to call you anymore. As I said, it just wasn't worth it. In my town, as in any mid or large size Jewish community, hanging out with guys meant oggling each other at the local pizza joint, or 7-11, or at some creepy guy's house (the one with the irresponsible parents), and it just felt so LAME.

But, see, now I am in trouble. :)

When I came back from sem I moved back in with my folks and started college. Not many guys in town, in fact, between 5 of my friends, they have gone out with every single one. and I have never traveled out of town to meet a guy because I don't want to get married, and that sort of thing is just too much freakin pressure. "you better be serious, if I am forking over 200 bucks for the first date," he says.

And then there is the annoying problem of not being sure if I want to be frum. I don't want to be, but then again, I have no intention of relinquishing all of it. I am an in-between, and very much procrastinating on this dating thing. Am I missing it? Yeah, just a bit. but I want it on my terms, and I have never been one to compromise.